Somebody slap me

I am going to go off topic again today. Commitment. It is symbolised in many different ways for different people. Im having a major struggle at the moment.

I have been with my OH for a little over 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter and we live together. When I met him, I had been due to get married 2 months earlier, but had called off the wedding at the beginning of the year, as I knew it was not right and I was no longer in love with the man I was going to marry. I have been married before, and had a very difficult marriage; subjected to years of emotional abuse and manipulation, and I did not want to enter into another marriage when cracks had already started to appear this time around. So, when we met and later discussed what we wanted from life, both of us were on the same page, we weren’t interested in getting married.

Fast forward a couple of years and now we have a daughter. She was planned; we very much intended to have a baby. Granted we hadn’t expected it to happen as soon as it did, as I had had problems in the past and was told to expect it to take at least a year (in reality it was only a few weeks). But that was ok, we were happy. We are happy. But, now we have a child, my views have changed; I would like us to be married. He does not want that. I have changed my surname so we all have the same family name. And he bought me an eternity ring, but he will never propose.

We are at that point in our lives now where all our friends are getting engaged and married. In October alone, 3 of my friends have got engaged. 2 of them got engaged to his friends. I can’t help feeling so rejected. I know it’s irrational, but I just wish he wanted to marry me.  Last weekend we had a bit of a row when the second couple got engaged because he was a bit insensitive with how he announced it – thrusting a facebook picture of the girls hand with the ring on in my face and laughing. I know he was doing it because they are somewhat an odd couple, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. We had a conversation and the outcome of that was basically (from him) ‘I don’t want you to leave, but if you feel marriage would make you happy then feel free to find someone else who wants to get married because I dont’.

I know that this reads harsher than it sounded but it was still harsh. I have tried to explain to him that its not because I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. The father of my child. Finding someone else would in no way give me what I want. The bloody idiot. Anyway we moved on (ish) from that. And now today, a third couple have announced their engagement. Is it really bad that I am dreading going home in case we have another arguement? Am I being an arse? I cant help how  I feel. I don’t think I will ever stop wishing he would marry me. And I cant see him ever changing his mind on it either (he has his reasons which are valid, but probably not my place to say in a blog). I don’t know how to move forward from this. Im worried I will become some bitter and twisted old lady. But every time someone I know announces their engagement, whilst I am happy for them, I cant help but feel like Ive been knifed in the heart a little (not by them obviously.)

Someone kick me up the bum and make me see sense because I know Im being irrational. But I cant stop.